awesomeness! I love it!

I would only change one thing, but its just me probably...

The sun should be rubbed
in the blood of mars-
in dawn's early light.

I would make it

"The sune should be rubbed
in the blood of Mars-
Dawn's early light."

just dropping that in makes it seem a little less repetitive... but ... I LOVE IT!

--
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber
Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely
~ Loveless

Please check out my novels at [link]

Ooo. you right!

--
[link] Counting Clouds - an exciting book!

[link] My tutorials!


If you LOVE it then suggest it to a GM - now!

actually that wouldn't work because it would make the direct object Mars and not the sun. But, I did change it. tell me what you think of it.

--
[link] Counting Clouds - an exciting book!

[link] My tutorials!


If you LOVE it then suggest it to a GM - now!

that works perfect!!! glad we got that one figured out! I just thought there were too many "in"s hehe

its beautiful though, still is

--
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber
Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely
~ Loveless

Please check out my novels at [link]

Thanks!

lol. I concur.

--
[link] Counting Clouds - an exciting book!

[link] My tutorials!


If you LOVE it then suggest it to a GM - now!

I really enjoyed this. I like all the imagery and the simple but complete thoughts as it progresses. Very nice.

Thank you so very much. I am glad you enjoyed it!

--
[link] Counting Clouds - an exciting book!

[link] My tutorials!


If you LOVE it then suggest it to a GM - now!

There are some most interesting images in the poem. I enjoyed the words used in the final stanza, as well as the way that the last three stanzas really come together.
But i'm confused at how Ra and Mars are in the same poem. These kinds of disparate elements detract from the immersion that the poem can grant its readers, I think.

Also,
Caress the treasured
and feed the hungry
is a bit of a strange combination to me- As the treasured are already treasured, and recieve futher aclaim while the second line is completely different as the needy are recieving a benefit.

In addition, when I read the second stanza, I think to myself, how does the sea quenching the blacksmiths hammer impede a birds flight?

Perhaps I'm too picky, but I must say that if this is one of the pieces that you say are going into your book, I could see it fitting right into a book. It looks like a story element. Might you let us know which of the poems you posted you plan on putting into your book?

Books are quite a project to take on, good luck with that sir.
What sort of book are you writing? Are you planning on getting it published?

--
Tassleh0ffburrfoot@hotmail.com

Ra and Mars are in the same poem because the sun in the morning can be red. the Idea is that Mars is covering the sun, thus giving it its red tint.

Keep in mind, I'm not only talking about people in this poem. but, to answer this second question, the idea is this: We pamper the rich with more money and whatnot, but we only feed the poor. do you see that now?

Think about the blacksmith as a volcano in the red morning sun with its lava flowing into the ocean, like in Hawaii. The birds give you a clue to this, because it would have to be something rather large to create enough steam to impede a bird's flight.

A lot of my poems are metaphorical and have double/triple meanings. You may ask that that is too cryptic, but tell me this. Why should I make it very easy for my readers? Shouldn't we all strive to stretch our minds? The knowledge one gains at the end of a piece is worth more than gold to me, so I become the leprechaun and hide my pot of gold amidst an abundance of descriptive words.

--
[link] Counting Clouds - an exciting book!

[link] My tutorials!


If you LOVE it then suggest it to a GM - now!